When Brad called and asked “do you wanna walk across fire” I was like “hahaha, Brad, what do you wanna do?” Because the request seemed so ridiculous I naturally assumed it was an analogy for collaborating on something ridiculous. He corrected me by saying something like, “no, really! I have created an empowering experience by teaching people to walk on hot coals. Do you want to be part of this experience?” I responded the only way one should when proposed this experience “YES!”
It’s weird, I never felt nervous. I once went skydiving and it was the same. No fear. Just trust in the leaders. It is also very easy for me to make decisions for the physical body. So in the end I calmly walked across the fire three times. It was INCREDIBLE. The fired did kiss me once but they say it is healing so I’ll be over here reading up on reflexology and what the fire is prescribing…
I actually want to make a conscience decision to not share the entire experience because I believe there is something sacred in the unknown and the amount of growth it allows by requiring you to be vulnerable and I hope you get an opportunity to participate in firewalking with Brad and Kirsten. But I will elaborate on the exercise that was very challenging for me specifically.
In leading up to firewalking there were a sequence of exercises - one of which was breaking through a piece of wood with your hand. Breaking through it could represent breaking through fear, sadness, grief or whatever you’re working through.
I am physically strong so I imagined this is where I would excel. And as I am working through some final phases of grief I so badly wanted to punch right through that shit like it would cure all things. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t fucking do it. The frustration built as I tried again and again while everyone else was “succeeding.” I even ask Brad to give me one more shot at the end. Nothing but a bruised hand came out of it.
I am not one to find an analogy in everything but it was clear I was craving the feeling of breaking through, of getting to the other side. I wanted it so badly that I was fighting the tears surfacing in my eyes. It took me the evening and the drive home to admit why - it would be so much easier to use strength to take control and power through emotion and grief. If I could just get through that wood and be done with carrying this extra sadness and anger I have been enduring. But in reality we can’t just punch through feelings - it takes patience to live in an emotion, understand it and break through to the other side. I am so close and if only breaking through that wood could’ve been the end of it, I would be so grateful. To say patience in the process or trusting the process is challenging for me is an understatement.
Did I not break through the wood because of my current emotional journey? Maybe. Likely it is because I wasn’t quite physically executing it right. But what I craved it to represent is where the lessoned lived.
So I’ll be back, Brad, when I am ready, to break through that ish! And to walk on fire, again. Thank you for the invitation and creating space for me to evolve and connect.